...is the most horrible thing in the world.
Welcome to my travelogue. My name is Sam, and I'm on my gap year. Last year I lived in Canada for two months working on a film set as a lowly production assistant, which was hands-down the best time of my life. I've been back in England for a little over two months, and now I'm heading off again, this time to Japan. Over land. Yes, that's right readers*
*I'll be addressing you as "readers" even though quite clearly none exist yet and the chance for you ever being a collective large enough to merit a plural is slimmer than Nichole Ritchie
I'm travelling by train across Europe, making stops in Paris, Vienna, Prague and Berlin, and then heading to Russia (St. Petersburg and Moscow, to be precise) at which point I'll take the Trans-Siberian Express to Irkustk (in deepest darkest coldest Siberia) then to Ulaan Batur (the capital of Mongolia) then to Beijing. My Chinese adventure will take me to Shanghai where I'll eventually catch a ferry to Osaka then go on to Tokyo then back to Osaka where I'll be living for six months. Exiting? Yes. Exhaustive? Probably. Ex-communicable? I certainly don't know what that means and if you do, I don't think I want you as a reader. Yes, in fact let's make that the first rule of this blog. If you're cleverer than me, just naff off right now. I worked long and hard to make sure I was rejected by Oxford University, specifically so I wouldn't have to deal with Alec Smarty-Pants and Johnny Clever-Cloggs on a daily basis.
With my dislike for intelligence now firmly out in the open, let me fill you in on how I stand as goes my preparations thus far..
It turns out, when you travel, you need what's called a "visa" to enter different countries. Now, I know some people might be thinking "Duh.." at this point, but quite clearly those people are no longer reading, clever twats that they are. You see, I'm supposed to be leaving the country tomorrow, but the Japanese Embassy still have my passport and seem to be showing no immediate inclination to giving it back. Apparently they're huge fans of bureaucracy (or as I like to say, "They're bureau-crazy!"**)
**I don't really like to say that. But my mind does work in bizarre ways and if you're thinking of becoming a reader of this blog, I must warn you that all manner of ban puns and word-play may be forthcoming. And I can't stress enough that these will not be amusing, clever or ironic. At best you could interpret them as ironically bad, but to be honest the more likely answer is that the author of this blog has no awareness or concept of self-censorship and will literally type whatever his perennially vacant brain tells him to. He also enjoys writing in the third person from time to time. This is likewise inexcusable.
So, in summary, my travels are not off to the greatest start. In that they may not be starting at all just yet. At worst though I'll be leaving on Friday, three days delayed, so even for the MTV-generation, ADD-kids reading, hopefully your attention span will not be severely tested. If "Lost" can keep an audience over a two-months-plus Christmas break, hopefully I can string you guys (again, an optimistic plural here) along for an extra few days.
One final thing before I sign off: those looking for emotional insight from this blog will likely not find it. I have real friends I'll write to if I want to get things off my chest. I'm naturally emotionally secretive and frequently use sarcasm and self-deprecation to avoid talking about anything real. But that's good news for you guys, because -- let's face it -- reading about some dude's emotional journey who you've never met is for gays and fags***, like myself****.
***sarcasm
****self-deprecation
Well, alehoop! I'll be leaving you now. Join me next time when I may or may not introduce you to one or more of the three wacky characters I'll be travelling with.
Cheerio,
Sam
